Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
