I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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