There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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