hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
