Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
