Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
