U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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