i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
