So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
