Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize