I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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