girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
