Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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