Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We had sex on a dog bed..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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