I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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