So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
