It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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