Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
