Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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