I wannas sexs uuuuu
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
