Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
