Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize