tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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