So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
