Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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