I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
