So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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