If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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