omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
