i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So vagazzling was a success
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
