I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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