I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
