i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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