So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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