Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
