I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
