he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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