my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
