Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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