There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
