I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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