I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
