I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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