So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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