my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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