oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
