She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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