what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
