I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
