Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
