Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
