Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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