Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I looked at my own cervix.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
