Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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