I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize