When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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