Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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