Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
