we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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