Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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