dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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